I feel like I'm going to have a break down sometime in these next three weeks. This just seems like such an odd point in my life. I'm not interested in most of my classes, and I need to do really well in two final exams, and well on three papers, and just screw the last class. I just want to be done with this semester, and start the next one, with better classes, and a new major.
It's odd, for the first time in my life I feel like I'm lacking attention. I had lots of friends in HS, and always had someone to talk to and something to do. Now, sure, I have friends, but it's different. I have lots to do on weekdays, with fencing and such, but when it comes to the weekends, most nights I'm sitting alone. Yes, it's partially my fault for turning some people down, and sometimes I do just want to be alone. Meanwhile there are guys somewhat pursuing me, yet when I do the pursuing, it fails miserably. Also, everyone will deal with this, but the new friends I've made at college, I'm not going to see them for three months.
As much as I want this semester to end, I have mixed feelings about going home. Leaving friends here, yes, but I'll get to see old friends, family, and my cat. This summer will be totally different than the rest. I'm going to need to find a full-time job, and I've never worked before. And my dad, I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. It's been seven months since he was diagnosed. He's getting a brain MRI this week to make sure that cancer is gone for good, but the lung cancer started to grow, after shrinking after the inital chemo. I'm so scared. I just don't want to see him like that, I don't want to be there when it gets bad. The icing on the cake is also financial problems. I hope that I can get loans to come back to Penn State in the fall. I'm counting on it.
So I'm almost positive I'm not coming home for Spring Break.
I'll be going home with one of my friends, to Virginia. We're going to be 'cool' and hit up Jamestown and stuff, and DC, and other fun places.
I do feel sort of weird not going home though, because of my dad.
Thanks for all the people who commented on my last update
Since then, I have sort of decided that, depending on how physics (electricity and magnetism, for the curious) goes this semester, that I am changing.
From astronomy and astrophysics to film studies...
I do really want to be an astrophysicist, but I think something in the film industry is a close second. It was always my dream to have my name in the credits of a movie, anywhere, if it was director, writer, editor, special effects, whatever.
The thing that really worries me though, is job security. Yes I know, I'm in my second semester of college. But my dad has gone though too many jobs and I completely understand the importance of having a secure job. With a job in astronomy, I would eventually land a permanent position, and, get paid upwards of $90,000 a year. In the film industry, many people work for themselves, and may not be able to find work all the time. When they do get work, their pay usually will depend on how well the movie does. Research tells me that I'd make not even half of the astronomy figure. I know it sounds kind of shallow, and you should do what you want regardless of the money, but I want a secure job, and I want to eventually pay off my student loans...
*sigh* here's hoping astrophysics works out for me, else I may become a film editor, or a screenwriter and live in a box.
I know its not like the end of the world to change your mind and change majors, but it's a big deal sort of.
I can't decided if I do actually like math and physics or not. I know I don't really care for chemistry anymore. But with math and physics... It's such a chore to do them.
I really do want to be an astrophysicist. I like astronomy.
I like english and writing
I like history
I like spanish
I like music
I like fencing.
I like being creative.
I really don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I was so smart in HS. Now I feel like a goddamned idiot.
I don't want to crack down and only do studying and homework all the time, since then I wouldn't have a life or friends. And what is the sense of it then? I am not going to waste the short time I have here (alive I mean) just working hard.
I'd consider being like a history major, or a comp lit major, but what do they go on and do? I know what I'd be doing in 10 years if I go on with astro, but no clue what someone with a history degree does.
I just wish I could study everything. Then just keep learning about everything forever. I just love learning, but I don't like only learning about one area. Even if the different sciences are very different, I like my liberal arts too.
I don't know what to do, and I'm getting desperate.
I just don't know if I can handle all the math and physics...
I'm looking forward to going back to State College and starting school up again. I hate my hometown and surrounding area. Why? Not the reasons you might think. Sure, it is small, and there's nothing to do, but the real reason is that I'm going to miss it so much. I can't sleep, so here's a list of things I'm going to miss (and some I'm already missing).
somethings from HS I miss
-hanging out in the bandroom
-doing nothing for NHS
-hanging out in the parking lot afterschool
-knowing all the teachers
-being thought of as one of the smartest people in the school
-random bonfires in the summer
-D&D in Ken's grandma's basement
-Rifts or other RPGs every week
-capture the flag
-ctf in all black clothes and camo
-in december when there was a little snow
-at jessica's with the hill
-at Dan's when we had tons of people
-squeezing in the middle of two guys in an S-10
-driving around with people to get food then going to a meijer or walmart and messing around in there
-getting made fun of for being rational
-hottubbing at Dan's
-having my best friend fall asleep randomly while talking to her
-twister and truth or dare jenga
-trick or treating
-sticking up for the one I love
-trying to have the best computer
-hanging with my boys
-failed attempts at movie marathons (ie star wars, back to the future)
-being forced to play backyard football
-taking pictures of volleyball at the church (and open houses)
-sucking when I have to play v-ball, and the occasional awesomeness when I got tons of points in a row from my serves
-our group taking up most of our town's McDonalds, the only fast food place for 10 miles (at least)
-trying to stop the guys from doing stupid things
-being the target of said stupid things
-dragging guys into claires and bath and body works
-people trying to convince me to swim in ponds
-Russ driving w/o headlights
-people driving crazy fast
yeah it is pretty much sucks leaving all this behind. Leaving Otisville pretty much means I really do have to grow up. sometimes I don't think I spent enough time as a kid, doing crazy things. I already miss you people.
I'm still so pumped from the concert!
So it was Soil, Shinedown, and Godsmack
For Simple Man, Shinedown brought this guy on stage, and he was soo wasted. It was great.
Godsmack was awesome. I got pushed to the front, so there was only two people in between me and the front railing thingy. I really wanted Sully's hat lol.
This girl really close to me got called up by him and took a guitar pick out of his mouth with her own. and then two other girls near me got drumsticks. (one girl got it from shinedown, the other from godsmack)
But yes, it was indeed, awesome. Here's a few pics for your enjoyment.
My digital camera didnt work though. batteries didnt work. :(
But I got some with my phone. They aren't great, but they get the perspective of how close I was.
AH! Sully was right in front of me!!
Batalla de los Tambores, freakin sweet. Sully on bongos then the full set, dueling with the other set.
- Music:Godsmack is still ringing in my ears
I had a nice weekend. Friday, went out to Walmart with some people.
Waited for the bus for a long time though. Here's the deal, there's quite a few buses that run by the stop we were at, 6 or 7 probably. We had been there over a half hour and ours was supposed to have gone by already. Finally it comes by, and its totally full, so we decide we'll wait for the next one, or maybe go to the other walmart. Right after the one we wanted, was another of the same, totally empty. We try to get on, and the bus drives away. It was a classic moment, and I expected big bold text to come up and say OWNED! lol. We got there finally though.
Then Saturday select members of the fencing club went to Maryland. There was 8 of us, two girls and 6 guys. I ended up sitting in the back of a car with Dave. lol. Six hour drive, at night. Got to St. Mary's college at like 1130pm. Slept at some girls' apartment. Next day went to register for the tournament at 9, we had a bye the first round so we didn't get to fence until 1130. Jenna (junior and treasurer), Dave, and I were the foil team. We fenced George Washington University first, and they only had one foil member, and it was their coach. We all lost. lol. Then was lunch. So finally then we got to fence three other teams. Two guys I fenced got red cards, it was nice. I won one of my bouts, made me happy. Scored an average of at least one point per bout, which isn't that bad for my first tournament.
Left MD at like 6, got back to PSU at 1230. I have a huge bruise/bump on my right upper thigh now, it hurts lots.
Here's some pictures...
Me on the Right^
Prateek, Brad, Iowa Dave, Scott, Leftie Dave, Kevin, Jenna
- Music:I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2
Well at least part of it
Today I learned
from Winnie the Pooh.
it was great
Halloween is good.
except it makes me really miss home. This week is like my favorite of the year, since Halloween and my birthday are just 6 days apart, and there's no familiar faces here to celebrate either with.
I'm not sure if I'm even going to go out tonight
I might just go to fencing
or stay home and watch scary movies
hey nicole, didn't Mr. Russell have books using Winnie the Pooh to explain physics? or was it psychology? I remember something...
Hope y'all have a fun night!
damn I so forgot what I wanted to write here...
I was going to ask nicole something. and talk about something. but what was it?
that happens to me a lot, when I want to put something online.
I'm sure it will come to me sometime today, when I'm not in my room, or when I'm sleeping, aka I'll just forget it again.
Happy Halloween everyone!